In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
