You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
