She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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