go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
