I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
