i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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