I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
