I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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