Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
