Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
