New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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