Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
