the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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