It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
