You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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