The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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