I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
