I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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