She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
