then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
