At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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