Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
