i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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