don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
everyone is single if you try hard enough
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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