I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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