The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
