I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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