I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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