Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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