yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
