i don't like sucking hair
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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