you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
