Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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