sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
