i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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