Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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