I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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