I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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