you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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