sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
