I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
