My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
