My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
