Tell her she can't have a vagina
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
