My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
