Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
