At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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