Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
