the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
