I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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