then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
